One of the thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called
upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the
unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who have responded to
hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us
personally, our default seems to be anger, angst (dread or anguish),
depression, righteousness, hatred, etc. Yet study after study shows that
one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of
gratitude and let go of past hurts.
Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is
the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to
be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully
inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, "hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored, and destroys the vessel on which it is poured."
Realize that the hate you feel toward your adversary does not harm him or her in the way that you want. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy."[1]
Understand that the best revenge against your enemies is to live a successful and happy life.
Want to get even with someone who tried to destroy you? Show them and
show yourself (and the world) that the obstacles they tried to create
were not significant enough to disable you and/or destroy you.
Realize that the second best revenge is to turn the evil into something good, to find the proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud.
Think of your enemy as someone who has helped you to grow. Even though
unfortunate things happen to us, the best thing we can do is take those
opportunities as tests that will either destroy or strengthen us. If
you've been through something, it didn't destroy you - take what you learned and become a better person because of it.
Make a list of the good things that emerged as a result of this awful experience.
You've probably focused long enough on the negative parts of this
experience. Look at the problem from a completely new angle; look at the
positive side. The first item on that list may be long overdue because
you have focused on the negative for so long. See if you can identify 10
positive outcomes of this experience.
Look for the helpers.
Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he'd often
become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell
him, "look for the helpers." In your own nightmarish experience, think
back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and
selflessness Practice what you have learned from them.
Was someone your "Good Samaritan"? In this biblical story, a
traveler helps a poor soul who was beaten up on the road to Jericho and
left for dead. Perhaps this isn't all about you. Perhaps your trial
provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you
with help and support.
Be compassionate with yourself.
If you've ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this
boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a
new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you'll make mistakes.
Forgive yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. Extreme emotional
pain has a profound effect on the body. Give yourself time to heal -
physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty
in the world. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process
them. Don't bottle up the pain.
Learn that the Aramaic word for "forgive" means literally to "untie."
The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated
negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loosen yourself from
that person's ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person
responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking
away from him or her and the pain. Forgiveness is for you and not the
other party. Freeing yourself through forgiveness is like freeing
yourself from chains of bondage or from prison.
Learn how to balance trust with wisdom. It's a fact that not all of our fellow humans are trustworthy.
Painful memories can serve to protect us from future hurts. As author
Rose Sweet writes, "A lack of trust is sometimes simply recognizing
another's limitations".[2]
Forgiveness is not acceptance of wrong behavior. If you must
continue to interact with someone who has wronged you, who has offered a
lame apology only to follow it up with more bad behavior, nothing
requires you to trust such a person. This person isn't likely to ever be
trustworthy -- you must keep a distance. While it's fruitless to
torment yourself over this person's actions, you should not be his or
her willing victim. Acknowledge; move on.
An offender who wants reconciliation must do his or her part: offer a
sincere apology, promise not to repeat the offense (or similar ones),
make amends, and give it time. If you don't see repentance, understand
that according forgiveness to that person is a benefit to yourself, not
to the offender.
Unless those who have harmed us have truly repented of whatever they
have done, we need to use wisdom in avoiding repeating the hurt. This
may require avoiding those who are unrepentant of the harm that they
have inflicted upon us. It would be wise to balance forgiveness against
the certain knowledge that evil exists, and some people enjoy harming
others.
Stop telling "the story."
How many times this week did you tell "the story" about how badly you
were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you
think about this hurt? It is a stake driven into the ground that keeps
you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy because
it's the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family.
Negativity is depressing - physically, mentally, spiritually and
emotionally.
Tell "the story" from the other person's perspective.
Actually imagine that you are the other person (the one who offended
you) and use the word "I" when saying what that person would say. You,
most likely, don't know exactly what s/he was thinking when this event
unfolded but pretend that you do, and just go with the story that comes
up in your head. Sit down with a friend, or maybe even the person you
are trying to forgive, and tell the story as though you are that person.
It is important to do this verbally and not just in your head. Realize
in advance that this is not an easy exercise, but it holds great power.
Your willingness to tell the story from the offender's perspective
requires an effort at forgiveness. Also, realize that this is not a
contradiction to the preceding paragraph since this perspective will
change your story.
11
Retrain your thinking. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Wish your enemy well.
Hope the best for him or her. This has two effects. One, it neutralizes
that acid of hate that destroys the vessel in which it is stored. The
evil we wish for another seems to have a rebound effect. The same is
true for the good that we wish for another. When you make yourself able
to return blessing for hatred, you'll know that you're well on the path
to wholeness. The first 15 - or 150 - times you try this, the "blessing"
may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying.
Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger
and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate, like dew in the
morning sun. This technique forces your mind to overcome the cognitive
dissonance between hating someone and acting with compassion toward him
or her. Since there is no way to take back the kind gesture to agree
with your hatred, the only thing your mind can do is change your belief
about the person to match. You will begin to say to yourself, "S/he is
deserving of a blessing, and indeed, must need one very much."
Maintain perspective:
While the "evil" actions of your "enemy" are hurtful to you and your
immediate surroundings, the rest of the world goes on unaware. Validate
their meaning in your life, but never lose perspective that others are
not involved and do not deserve anything to be taken out on them. Your
enemy is someone else's beloved child, someone's employee, or a child's
parent.
Tips
Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning)
into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself - in the future -
as free of this pain and suffering..
Forgiveness is a choice. When you say, "I can't forgive that person," what you're really saying is, "I'm choosing not to forgive that person." If you say, "I can forgive", you'll find yourself forgiving soon.
Keep the following quotes in mind if you're finding it hard to generate positive feelings for the person:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
"Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most."
"Follow peace with all men, and holiness," -Hebrews 12:14."
"As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons." -The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
"Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it."
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find
in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - The Golden Rule
"Correct and courteous words accompanied by forgiveness are better than charity followed by insulting words." - The Qur'an 2:263
"Be kind, for all you meet, are fighting a great battle."- Philo
"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still
in the darkness. But whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and
there is nothing in him to make him stumble." 1 John 2:9,10-The Bible
"Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him." 1 John 3:15- The Bible
"The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more
damaging to yourself than to them." Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss
Lydia Clark, 1999.
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
"But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:26.
"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you" Matthew 6:14
Forgive him or her, don't tell them, that's the answer! Forgiveness
is yours and only yours , to live without forgiveness is a life full of
hurt.
Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under
incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to
motivate you toward forgiveness.
Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you.
Warnings
Forgiveness is hard, but living with a grudge is even harder.
Keeping grudges bottled up can be very dangerous, and can hurt people in
ways you might have not imagined.
True forgiveness is unconditional and not predicated on any act or
request from the offender. The type of forgiveness discussed here is
intended to free you from the impotent rage, depression, and despair
that nursing a grievance causes.
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